Month after month, I was left with a heavy heart after getting a negative pregnancy test result. People told me to stop 'trying' to conceive, and by doing that, I will get pregnant. The problem with that way of thinking was that it was impossible for me to stop trying... to stop being hopeful. When your heart wants something so badly, pretending that you don't is just not feasible.
Adoption was always an option in my mind. In fact, your Big Sister did not start her life in my womb... and sometimes I forget that because she is no less my daughter than you are my son. I love you both with equal parts of my heart and soul. With that said, I've always wanted to go through the 'whole' pregnancy process since I can remember, so I could just 'know' what it was like. This became my mission soon after marrying the greatest man I've ever met... your daddy.
The month I was to find out I was actually pregnant, I began to research local adoption agencies. I began to come to peace with the idea that YOU were going to start your life 9 months somewhere else before I got to become your mother, and I was okay with that. If I could not hold you in my belly, I vowed to hold you in my arms for the rest of my life. To my surprise, you were there, nesting within me the whole time.
I have now reached the sixth month mark, and I am anxiously preparing for your arrival into the outside world. As my feet and back are starting to ache on a regular basis, and I'm losing all access to touching my toes, I do get frusterated. It's not so fun, and I secretly fear what the third trimester has in store for my joints. BUT without fail, when I feel you wiggle and kick inside me, indescribable joy prevails over these frustrations. I LOVE that I can feel you nestled so close to my heart... a place that longed for you all my life.
Love, Mommy
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